Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Letting them be who they are

I heard a quote the other day.  Something about "children are puzzles.  They are all so different." 
It got me thinking about my mothering.  I want to mother deliberately.  I refuse to get lost in the chaos of it all.
Yes, there is chaos.  There will always be.  But I want to figure out who these little girls are.
Who God created them to be.
I want to help them to be themselves not who I thought they would be or wanted them to be.

I do believe that it was the first lesson I learned as a mother.  And quite ironically I seemed to have faced that truth that they are their own little person with my biological daughter.  One would have thought that with my adopted daughter that truth would have rung free but it wasn't until the first minutes with Abigail that I knew that she was her own person.

I can remember as clear as day holding her still in the delivery room sobbing (that's a whole different post) and staring into her sweet face.  She was her own little person. God had made her, not me.  I was just the one blessed enough to carry her and to mother her for as many days as I'm alive.  Although she looked so familiar and I fell deeply in love with her the moment I touched her and saw her face.  I knew that Abigail was her own person. 

(I do have pictures of Abigail just born with me in that moment, but I thought some cleaned up pictures would be better)


With Anna, that lesson I learned very slowly as the past 6 years have gone by.  With Anna I knew her sweet face before I could touch her.  I slept with her picture under my pillow at night and dreamed of holding her.  With Anna I propped up her picture on the table when we at out.  I had every little nook and cranny memorized before she was mine.  (and for a different post, she almost wasn't mine when we got to China)

(First glimpse of Anna.  6 pictures were given to us but this was the first face I saw)

And then slowly, very slowly I learned about Anna.  I had chosen her name but god had created her.  She was carried by a Chinese woman and not me.  And although I'd be the first to tell you that that doesn't matter in being someones mother, it holds so many different lessons. 

I always wanted to be a mother.  I was the little girl that was a little girl way to long. I would have pushed my doll pram well into middle school if I could.  I was young. 

I dreamed of being a mother and I knew just what it would be about and what my children would be like.  Well, not to mention that for one I had to fly across the world to bring her home, that was just the start. 

I guess the point I'm trying to remind myself is that Anna is Anna and Abigail is Abigail.  They are not mine.  They are their own person and I need to embrace who THEY are and not who I think they should be.

Oh man, how I love my little girls, how they came into my life, and who they are becoming. 

1 comment:

  1. what a beautiful post Tara!! Your girls are so sweet!