Adoption Day

Twenty One years ago today a little baby was placed in my arms.

I was on the other side of the world. 

There were no adoring grandparents in the room. There were no aunts or uncles or cousins. 

It was just Scott and I. 

And the Holy Spirit. We could feel the wind and the warmth. We were not alone. 

And although the day didn't go exactly as expected, it was a glorious one;

because the word orphan was erased from Jiang Qian's name forever, 

and she became Anna Jiang Qian. 

And I am so very very blessed to be a part of God's redeeming plan in her life. May she know his love, feel his tender care, and always know that she is treasured.  

If you want to see some videos, here they are: 

Adoption Day

Anna's adoption day was nineteen years ago today. 

The memories so vivid in my mind and yet as the years pass I have to concentrate to hold on to all of the details. 

Today I don't have a grand post with lots of pictures I've put together. Just some feelings. 

I've written the story of Anna on this blog of mine, and at the end of this post I'll reshare all of the old links. Mostly the videos that Scott made after we came home. To be honest, they are difficult to watch. 

They were created by two young parents, just 30 and 31 years old. Babies ourselves. 

So much has unfolded since then - so much wonder and wonderfulness. So much goodness and love. So many memories and much happiness. 

But also

There has been pain; pain as her mama having to watch her walk through some parts of life that you wish your child didn't have to. 

When I was 31 I didn't think about race. I just wanted my baby home from China. 

And while I won't go into the details, Scott and I know that being a biracial family has challenges we didn't know as young parents. 

Anna is an Asian American living in a white family. She is surrounded in our little house and with extended family with no one she looks like. Over the years it has created issues, questions, impressions on her heart. It's not nothing to not look like your family. 

And then apart from adoption there are race issues. Asians are quiet. Asians are smart. Are they? Do they have to be? Is that what is expected? Or is it what is ingrained in our culture so we just believe it pushing those unrealistic expectations on to children who are Asian. 

Anna is twenty years old now, and adoption day was nineteen years ago. So much time has passed. So much love. So much healing. So much love that brought healing.

But

Adoption is not a fairytale. Adoption means there was loss. And pain. 

And nineteen years ago, yes, my heart was filled to brim. I couldn't love anyone more on the planet. And the moment she was placed in my arms I would have died for her. 

But it's not about my dream of becoming a mama or Scott's dream of becoming a daddy, or our dream of becoming parents... a little family of our own. 

This day is about Anna. 

And although I can't erase all that she has and will endure in this life, I can love her oh so much.

And grateful. I feel grateful today for the story God began writing all those years ago. And so grateful that we were put together. 

Anna, I love you so much. My heart sometimes just thinking about it can barely hold the amount of love I feel for you. I adore being your mama. 

Happy adoption day sweet girl. 

Here are all of the links: 

Here is a link to 18 years home

The 'story of Anna' part 1 

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7

part 8

part 9

Adoption Day Videos

Eighteen Years Home

Today, 18 years ago, in a city in China a miracle happened. 

Scott and I were just the blessed ones to witness this miracle with our own eyes 

and hearts. 

In that very moment the word orphan was erased from her life -- forever. 

How blessed are we that we got to hold her in that very moment? 

There is nothing on the earth like that -- nothing like knowing you are living in a moment of a miracle.

And I don't take that moment on August 16 in the afternoon for grated. Not one bit. 

We are so lucky she is ours and we are hers. 

Today my heart overflows with gratitude for this miracle God did. 

If you want to read about the 'story of anna' just click below: 

Click here for part 1

part 2

part 3

part 4

part 5

part 6

part 7

part 8

part 9 

Anna is Leaving In 7 Days

The song I'm listening to right now 

I hate the phrase, "where did the time go". 

It feels different than that.

Today I just feel proud of her. Grateful, that feeling of it all swelled up inside me. 

You all, she could have been an orphan. Forever. I can't even begin to think about what her life would be if she were eighteen and living in China. 

What happens to orphans living in China after they "age out" at only fourteen years old? 

The truth is, we don't know. If they are lucky they can work for the orphanage but many are released to the streets with no resources, alone.  

Just read that again and let it soak in this time: If they are lucky they can work for the orphanage but many are released to the streets with no resources, alone. 

But Anna is brilliant. And funny, and kind. 

She is filled to brim with potential. 

Yes, she still aches - for the story of her life is not a fairy tale. 

Adoption means that one family is broken to create a new one. 

We, Scott and I, are the blessed ones. But our little girl from China, Jiang Qian (her given Chinese name) was completely separated from her family. And that creates a primal wound. 

We have loved her for seventeen precious years but even our love can't 'fix' everything. Only God can. 

And there are still some scars that even He has not healed yet. He will, one day.

And so, I suppose each Mom sending their child off to college feels all of the sad "where did the time go" feelings.

I don't.

I feel beyond grateful that Anna has this opportunity - college - a new place to grow and learn. 

Oh how I wish I could have checked off all of the boxes as her mama. 

Why does she have to walk into college still with sensory integration/processing disorder and PTSD? 

But why not? 

Dear Anna, walk in there proud. Walk in there grateful. Walk in there knowing who you are and whos you are. 

A family was broken - a birth mother had to hurt so much - my darling daughter still aches for what she had to go through - but me? How did I get so richly blessed? Look at what I got to do. I got to be her mama all those years and still all of the years to come. 

Years ago a friend said to me before she walked out of my life, "you hold her too much" "you never take your eyes off her" "you're always touching her" 

I say, thank goodness. 

I do believe that the hardest part might be that I've "held her" and "never taken my eyes off her"  more than what might be 'normal' and then suddenly in seven days I can't 

... or really I can, just in a new way. 

You see, I knew the miracle I had in my arms. God knit her in my heart from the moment she was ours. And letting go, not holding her, not looking at her daily will grieve my mama's heart. 

But I trust in the One that brought us together. And He will make a new way. 

Seven days. 

Adoption Day

Well as I was blogging all of those Alaska days regular life was going on here - and regular life in mid August is pretty wonderful. It's a lot of relaxing, our little daily routines, and just getting my big toe dipped into the water of teaching again. I've been in the classroom here and there - now actually it's time to get really in there - my list for back to school is growing!

But this day was a tender, special day. August 16, 2004 was the day we adopted Anna and when that calendar day rolls around we just love it. More than a birthday, hard to describe, it's bitter sweet, and warm, and we love it.

Anna got her braces off that morning. She had invisalign so it wasn't that big of a deal (since no one even knew she had braces) But her teeth look amazing and I'm happy she doesn't have to deal with those liners anymore. I love that her orthodontist makes such a big deal out of it - there was music playing and he wore a head light - there were presents and balloons and fancy donuts!  Made me want to get some braces for myself.







Since were were in town we spent some time in the toy store just meandering around.



The afternoon was relaxing at home.



There were a few gifts that afternoon and flowers from daddy.









We went out to dinner and just loved recognizing this very special day for our family.



Wasn't this yesterday?  Oh please don't let another five years go by...

Anna Turned Sixteen

Sixteen is such a sweet age. And Anna makes a wonderful sixteen year old.

So many of the birthdays my girls have turned reminded me of when I turned that age myself. Not sixteen. Sixteen now is so totally different than sixteen in 1989.

Anna {like so many of her peers} has no interest in learning to drive. Someday? Well, yes of course. But not now.

I'm grateful that sixteen now {at least for Anna} is still family time - loving being home and together. Sixteen is playing with your sister still. Sixteen is reading on the couch in the summer after lunch. Sixteen is being tucked into bed every single night with a hug and a kiss.

More independence? Sure, yes, there is. Anna is a lovely sixteen year old. And oh so funny. She has us laughing every day. She does so much around the house, for us, for her sister. She manages school and her intense viola studies while she still enjoys drawing and stuffed animals. She is wise about the world around her and the greater world out there. She understands things happening and has a unique perspective on events going on.

She loves her life and wants to protect the environment {and the animals living in it}.

Anna holds a calmness about things that would keep me up at night. She gives wonderful life advice and usually has me in awe with the wisdom she holds.

Her faith life is strong and yet very different than mine - it is all her own, just as it should be.

Anna is very smart and very young all at the same time. She is confident and doesn't worry about what others think. She is quite happy with who she is and has no desire to try to be like anyone else. She is perfectly happy outside the 'normal' bubble of high school girl drama. She has no time for that in her life and thinks it's all quite silly, really. She seems to hold a maturity that girls gain somewhere in the middle of college - and yet she is feels young to me in other ways.

Anna is also a complex person. And it's difficult to think you know her well - there are many layers. Scott, Abigail and I are really the only ones who know all of Anna. There are things from her past that have made it difficult for her. She is strong but oh so fragile all at the same time. And that alone has made Scott and I yearn to be the best we can for her. We will protect her for the rest of her lives even if the 'world' doesn't understand. And yet we will also watch as she braves things that are unthinkable for a sixteen year old.

Anna's past and what she has gone through is more than anyone I personally know. And yet... God is writing a beautiful new story in her life. He continues to heal her from a most horrific first 14 months of life. And although I would do anything to go back and have Anna in my arms from the second she was born - I can't and that's okay. I have the unique privilege to watch her walk out with grace His plan for her life. There is beauty in ashes and I will continue to hold her hand and cheer her on as she lives and breathes this beautiful life.

Oh how I wish I could meet the woman that gave her life all those sixteen years ago - I would wrap my arms around her and thank her for letting me be her mama. This complex, fun, fragile, beautiful, brilliant, kind, wonderful daughter I have is because of her. And God who put us together. For that I am grateful.

Happy birthday darling daughter.



Now - let's start that birthday post:

We celebrated big for Anna on her birthday. THIS is how she woke up on sixteen!!!



Sixteen pink balloons filled her sky above the bed and the ribbons tickled her face as she woke up.



It was pretty awesome!





We were in the final stretch of school - in fact it was the very last Monday of school.



After we all got home I set up the porch and we celebrated with cake and presents.



She picked a wonderful strawberry cake that I baked the night before and assembled on her birthday. The filling was amazing!







It was so much fun {and still so new} to be in the baking center!







I love baking for my girls on their birthday - making their birthday cake is such a wonderful treat for me.



The recipe came from a cookbook on just birthday cakes. I handed it to Anna a few days earlier and said, "pick one". Oh boy... she sure picked a good one!



I love this moment - the just before she's sixteen moment.







And then it was time for presents.





Sweetness...





Abigail has lots of love for this big sister of hers.





Scott and I wanted to get Anna something really special for her sixteenth. We bought her a drop pearl in  China all of those years ago and saved it for this day.

And the weekend before we headed to a jewelry store to buy a white gold chain for the pearl. It took her breath away.









And so it was a very sweet night filled with love for our girl. I love her oh so much and can't wait to celebrate birthdays for years to come.

Her birth Day... it makes my hands shake and my heart swell

(in China 2004) (I knew I loved you before I met you)  (I know that it might sound more than a little crazy but I knew I loved you before I met you.  I have been waiting all my life) 


It's not often that I let myself go there.  To drift back to thoughts of her actual birth day.  But just one day before I can't help myself.

On June 8th or 9th or 10th  (we really don't know the day... but somewhere around that time) I was teaching second grade.  I was finishing up my eighth year of teaching that June and I'm sure it was a hot day in my classroom.  Scott was just across town as an eighth grade Social Studies teacher.  Even my Dad, a teacher then was just a block away from me in his sixth grade classroom.  I could see his school when I was outside for recess.  It was a happy time in our lives.  A very, very happy time.

At that point God had already revealed to our hearts that our first child would be adopted.  Our paperwork was nearly done and Scott and I were a buzz thinking about what was to come in our lives.  We were 'paper pregnant' and we were glowing; both of us.

On the other side of the word there was a mama who was carrying our daughter.  She had never met us.  And she didn't know what was about to happen to her life.  She had no idea that the joy we were 'expecting' in our lives would come from her.

I have no details.  Not a one.  I don't know the time of day.  I don't really know the day.  I have an 'idea' of the city she could have lived in.  But I don't know for sure.

The concept of another woman on the other side of the world going into labor, hoping perhaps for a boy and then seeing the face of my daughter is too hard for me to understand.  Was she alone?  Was she with family?  Was she in the country near that city or was she right there where I walked in the summer of 2004?

Did she hold her?  Nurse her?  Want her?  Get to spend time with her?  Did she feel love for her?  Could it, might it, have possibly been this profound love I feel in my heart today twelve years later?  Or maybe not.  I'd like to think so. (here I am)

I do know that Anna wasn't (deep breath) abandoned for a possible fourteen days after her birth.  So perhaps.

And as much as time goes on her birth day is a difficult, raw one for me.  Sometimes I feel mad that I didn't get to hold her as an infant.  Didn't get to hold her on my lap on her first birthday. I feel mad that she was nameless and simply just the 'job' of someone who worked in the orphanage.  She was fed (mostly) but not when she was hungry.  She had other babies in the room.  But really she needed a mother and father.  I know I can't go back but on this birthday I wish I could have just picked her up and held her when she cried.  I know that no one did.  For months and months and months until I got there.  (and then I didn't put her down for months and months and months)

(not in this photo because I just cant... but in there for fourteen months.  Dirty, smelly, walls picked at for lack of anything to do)  


Adoption is such a miraculous gift from the ultimate gift giver, God.  He trusted us to love and raise His daughter.  (she really belongs to Him) And with that gift, with that trust and with the beauty of adoption comes the knowing that I will never know on this side of Heaven the deepest questions in my heart.  I will always wonder.

(in the orphanage... before we got to her) 


Wonder sometimes with anger wishing she didn't have to endure what she did.  But mostly wonder with deepest gratitude and profound love for my daughter.  For my God.  For adoption.

Everyday, but mostly today I am humbled and honored and amazed that what He started twelve years ago (much longer actually) on two different parts of His world would be mine.

To her birth mother on this day:

~ I don't know if this day means a thing to you.  Maybe it does.  Maybe it doesn't.
~ No matter what you felt twelve years ago, I honor you.  You gave her life.
~Thank you for her beauty.  Oh, she is so beautiful.  I wish you could see her.  Her eyes, her creamy skin, her thick hair with brown highlights, oh so beautiful.
~She's no longer a 'little' girl anymore so I can stand back and look at her knowing just what you  look like.
~It is my sincere and honest prayer from my heart that one day we will meet on the other side and I will know the whole story.  And you will too.  I will wrap my arms around you and thank you, thank you, thank you for my daughter. (I can only imagine)

Happy birth day Anna.  Be proud of your story.  It's a beautiful one.  It was written by the only One who could author such an amazing one.  Your story is profound and it is a miracle.  I'm sorry that mama couldn't be there twelve years ago.  Every wish in me wishes I could have.  One thing I do know above ALL ELSE (and listen closely) is that we (you, your mama, your daddy, and your abigail) were given a special touch of God's grace and God's favor.  Our family loves more deeply, more profoundly, just more.  You are loved more because of your story and because of the miracle you are.  Happy, happy birth day.  It really IS a happy day.  All my love forever, mama (on this side of the world)

(in China ... now she has a mama)


(come with me.. it'll be alright)

Chinese New Year

We didn't celebrate big this year but we did celebrate.  And I got out the China silks.  And oh boy... Anna wore this year the one I wore when I came home from China.  She has outgrown all of her child sized and has moved on to look gorgeous in the ones I brought home for me!

We brought Chinese food to my parents house and my Mom set the table beautifully.  (and gave them red envelopes with B&N gift cards) Anna was 'all lit up' and asking for us to tell us "her story" so I did (we all did) over Chinese food.



I told her how when we got her referral.  And all about our travels to China before her.  And the day (oh the day) we were finally together.  She was beaming.  It was simple.  But for this year, for us, it was the perfect Chinese New Year.



I meant to take a picture of Anna leaving that day. She looked so grown up and beautiful (and the snow was coming down) but I didn't. Next year for sure!