Tiny - but big - motherhood lesson

I was unprepared for motherhood.

Desperately ready.

I knew that if my arms didn't hold a baby my heart would never be filled.

However, unprepared I still was.

Motherhood did not come to me by surprise. We had already been married over 8 years and we were both longing to add that gift into our marriage when God moved in our hearts to adopt from China.

And even as 'blissful'  a picture I paint of my 13 years as a stay at home - out of the classroom mama I was unprepared.

I thought, 'bring her home - put a pretty dress on her - live happily ever after'

Some of at nativity is true. I did live in that dreamy world of being at home all day with my baby girls. I did and still do love dresses.

But I was unprepared for the shocking reality of parenting (and I won't go into detail) a baby, a toddler, a young elementary school aged, a middle school, a high school aged child with PTSD. With severe sensory integration disorder. The kind of issues that no one understands except for Scott and I. Which led to deep family isolation for us. Some understand, can sympathize, care, but no one lives it.

I was unprepared for the shocking reality of parenting (and I won't go into detail) a baby, a toddler, a young elementary school aged, a middle school child with a chronic disease. With daily pain, with anxiety issues.

I kept thinking (for both of them) - find the right doctor, the right medicine, the right program and my blissful days could continue. I had to 'fix' what was wrong for them.

But finally God said, "Live through this season - each season as their mama with more joy and peace knowing that when you live into the season I will meet their needs. The anxiety you feel, the must-fix-it you feel is you. Not me."

Sure we've had days upon days of bliss here. But we've also had moments upon moments of sheer difficult here. Difficult with a feet digging deep in the sand while my husband and I hold on for dear life kind of moments.

There is determination and persistence to do this well. There is nothing more important to us than being Anna and Abigail's mama and daddy.

I need to remind myself often of the words that God has spoken over and over through the years to my heart. Early in the morning. In prayer times. In times when I've dragged myself out of bed when it's still dark because I wouldn't dare do this motherhood without Him. And the same with Scott.

I rest in the peace that I live into this season trusting that He will meet their needs. I am only a vehicle of love.

I've rediscovered God in places I didn't expect to find him. I have found for this mama that has wrestled big with anxiety especially concerning her daughters, that the rhythm and beauty of a day; just a day being with them; connects me to His spirit who sings and whispers over my soul. He tells me not to fix but just to be. Be what I made you to be and I'll be what they need.