Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Dark Sunglasses on the First Day


Pancake puffs and a note from Daddy
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Just before leaving
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There's only one first day of First Grade!
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In her red as always... a symbol of where she's from and how much we love China
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I wear my big, dark sunglasses because I know how I'll be.  I wonder if it's that it's the first day of school or the end of summer.  As I walk away from the school (without them) I can feel my heart start to ache.  I see people ahead of me that I know and I'm thinking oh please God, don't let them say hi to me or the flood of tears will come. 

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I don't know why but it's just as bad as the day I dropped her off at preschool all those years ago.  The ache, the empty heart, the shaky hands, the tears welling up in my eyes.  Only difference is now I know so I can wear those big dark sunglasses. 

Walking hand in hand for the last time... next year they'll be at different schools. 
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I fuss with something in my camera bag pretending I don't see that group in front of me.  I walk a little bit slower because if one person says to me, "hey Tara, how are you?"  in their happy sing song voice I won't be able to hold it in any longer.  I don't want to cry.  They are fifth and first graders.  They are happy (a kind of nervous excited apprehensive happy) and I am happy for them. 

Here we are at the Flag Raising Ceremony.  Hot, crowded, overwhelming, but kinda cool too
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There were faces like these...
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Is it because I'm excited for them?  Is it that I'm proud of them?  Is it that the house is too quiet or that the list is too long and I actually have to do it because I'm not mommy "on" til that end of school bell.  I think it's all of it.  All rolled into one.  I'm a crazy, miss my kids, love my kids, love my life, happy, tearful mom.  I'm the same girl who sobbed, sobbed big ugly cries in Hawaii on her honeymoon into her sweet new young husbands arms because I missed my mom and dad. 

She'll be mad at me for this one some day... but my posts are always so serious... nose picker during My Country Tis of Thee...
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I actually think I've come to terms with it.  This is just how I'll always be.  Weather it's the first day of kindergarten or the first day of college.  I'll want to be there feeling these feelings, being me.  My heart feels sometimes like it will burst from my love for them.  So when a new year starts and in all it's flag raising, My Country Tis of Thee singing, Disney-like marching music walking ining (now that's a new word) it hits me.  They are one step, but what feels like one giant leap, older.  They are one giant leap further away from being babies.  One giant leap closer to being grown up.  One giant leap out of (or is it further into) childhood. 

And there were faces like this too. I know this one well.
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Okay, you may think 'that lady is crazy'.  I guess what I'm saying is that I am.  And that's okay because with the I don't want them to grow up crazies come the most loving feelings a mommy could ever have.  You can't have one so deep without tears in the other. 

Wave goodbye to your mom. 
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Off they go my sweet girls.  One day they'll read this an laugh.  Or perhaps they'll say, "yes that was my mom.  She hasn't changed a bit.  Mom, it's my last day of college, don't forget your big, dark sunglasses." 

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Huge speakers blasting a sort of feels like you're on Main Street at Disney World song. That song gets me every time.  Adds the emotion for sure.   
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Top of the school.
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Do ya think I can wear those at their weddings? 

2 comments:

  1. Was thinking of you all day, Tara...you are such a wonderful mother! And I have to tell you...Anna is so beautiful! Red is her color! Night, friend! : )

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  2. You have me all choked up... I completely understand! Mine are now in 2nd grade and gulp...junior high (7th grade). How did this happen so quickly.... beautiful pictures of your beautiful girls Tara!

    Blessings,
    Jill

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