Thursday, March 15, 2012

In A Slump

I know it's spring... I know I love my life, I know the weather is warm, I know that I have everything I need... but I'm in a slump.

Ever been there? Usually baking will pull me out of any slump.  Usually cooking a yummy dinner will do it too.  Usually getting down and scrubbing this house will work.  Usually good music, good book, good time with my girls, good laugh with my husband will fix anything.  But the past couple of days nothing will work. 

I've been surrounded by babies lately, pregnancy lately, and then on Tuesday the cutest Chinese baby I'd ever seen.  I went right up to the Dad and said in English (not sure if he knew what I was saying) "Your baby is take your breath away beautiful"  I starred at her and thought about adoption until my heart ached.  She was just walking and I fell in love with her face, her hair, and how she was learning to talk.  (baby talk in Chinese is the cutest thing ever)  I should have just looked away and enjoyed my 8 year old play the viola.  But I watched her toddle around and I went home and begged Scott to adopt again. 

Something in my heart tells me we're 'not done'.  But maybe I'd feel this ache for another if I had as many babies as I wanted.  "The last one still has to grow up, has to go to Kindergarten" Scott tells me.  Maybe he's right.  But some Moms know that they are 'done' and they feel good.  In fact there are many Moms who love the feeling of knowing they are 'done'.  I don't think I'll ever feel that.  (and of course there's nothing wrong with that... I do pray that if these two are God's plan for us then one day I would feel good about being 'done')

And then there's the fact that I never to "have a second" (I tell this to  Scott all the time).  It's true.  When we adopted Anna I was a new, young Mom.  She was my 'first.'  You know the mistakes you make, the worries you have.  Yes you enjoy it but the second is easier.  (at least less scary)  Well my second was a 'first' too.  A brand new, tiny, newborn baby.  Everything was a first with her.  As soon as I 'figured out' a stage with her it was over.  And I want to do it again. 

Oh to be handed a new one year old from China; I'd do anything for that again.  Oh, to be handed a brand new newborn; I'd do anything for that. 



Okay, I feel better.  Time to back, clean, cook, play with my girls, laugh with my husband and thank God for the life I have and the two daughters I get to mother. 

No more 'in the slump' posts, I promise!

1 comment:

  1. oh Tara..I hear you. I'll never ever feel done. Even though lately my baby is a NIGHTMARE..and I swear all day long, "I'm SO dont!" And then I see a newborn or a blog with a pregnant girl..and I yearn for that too. I'm right there with you!! :)