Anna is Leaving In 7 Days

The song I'm listening to right now 

I hate the phrase, "where did the time go". 

It feels different than that.

Today I just feel proud of her. Grateful, that feeling of it all swelled up inside me. 

You all, she could have been an orphan. Forever. I can't even begin to think about what her life would be if she were eighteen and living in China. 

What happens to orphans living in China after they "age out" at only fourteen years old? 

The truth is, we don't know. If they are lucky they can work for the orphanage but many are released to the streets with no resources, alone.  

Just read that again and let it soak in this time: If they are lucky they can work for the orphanage but many are released to the streets with no resources, alone. 

But Anna is brilliant. And funny, and kind. 

She is filled to brim with potential. 

Yes, she still aches - for the story of her life is not a fairy tale. 

Adoption means that one family is broken to create a new one. 

We, Scott and I, are the blessed ones. But our little girl from China, Jiang Qian (her given Chinese name) was completely separated from her family. And that creates a primal wound. 

We have loved her for seventeen precious years but even our love can't 'fix' everything. Only God can. 

And there are still some scars that even He has not healed yet. He will, one day.

And so, I suppose each Mom sending their child off to college feels all of the sad "where did the time go" feelings.

I don't.

I feel beyond grateful that Anna has this opportunity - college - a new place to grow and learn. 

Oh how I wish I could have checked off all of the boxes as her mama. 

Why does she have to walk into college still with sensory integration/processing disorder and PTSD? 

But why not? 

Dear Anna, walk in there proud. Walk in there grateful. Walk in there knowing who you are and whos you are. 

A family was broken - a birth mother had to hurt so much - my darling daughter still aches for what she had to go through - but me? How did I get so richly blessed? Look at what I got to do. I got to be her mama all those years and still all of the years to come. 

Years ago a friend said to me before she walked out of my life, "you hold her too much" "you never take your eyes off her" "you're always touching her" 

I say, thank goodness. 

I do believe that the hardest part might be that I've "held her" and "never taken my eyes off her"  more than what might be 'normal' and then suddenly in seven days I can't 

... or really I can, just in a new way. 

You see, I knew the miracle I had in my arms. God knit her in my heart from the moment she was ours. And letting go, not holding her, not looking at her daily will grieve my mama's heart. 

But I trust in the One that brought us together. And He will make a new way. 

Seven days.