I've been rushing through the Christmas posts (kinda) because I have so many things to share that have been going on here.
I wish I could find the right words - wish I was a writer and could get out in words what is in my heart but I just can't.
I think I'll just jump in and tell the story the best that I can.
Right now Anna is in China. She is all the way across the world and it makes me feel:
exhilarated
excited
proud
and most of all like my heart just hurts and then gushes with love, and then misses and then everything all over again.
Let me back up just a bit. For a few years Anna has known that she's wanted to study abroad in China. But for these years it's always been in the distance. So far off. It seems as though we were just getting ready for her to leave for college. That was just yesterday, right?
Well, about a year ago, it got 'serious', and she attended the pre study abroad meetings she needed to go to. It was almost like it was never an option for her. She was going. And we were happy for her for so many reasons.
This is such an opportunity for her - once in a lifetime. She will be living in Beijing for over 5 months. (coming home in June) She will be studying in a college there and will be fluent. She will be immersed in the culture in ways that a family trip could never give her.
Life is long and yes, we will travel back to China as a family one day, but this opportunity for her to study in China and to live in China was within her grasp and so she took it.
And I am still feeling amazed.
I have so many other photos I'd like to wrangle together... photos from over the past year of this whole process. Boy, was it ever a process! So much paperwork. So many late nights. So many trips up to her college for signatures on documents. And sometime I will try to put together a post of all of this and how it all happened.
Here is what I have for now. This was the day after Christmas - the night before Anna would be leaving. Most of the packing was done that very day, and we were at this point making last minute packing decisions. (yes, we packed her up for about 6 months living abroad in one little day!)
I felt pretty good about what she packed and what we put our heads together and figured out. Of course now, a few days later there are things I wished I thought of and put in that suitcase and gosh, I can't Amazon any of those things.
I know that mama in me that wants to fix things for her is going to have quite a year of growing up (me). Oh yes I am. I want to go back in time and put one of our tiny portable fans in that suitcase. But I can't now and she'll figure it out.
But yes, that night before (just the day after Christmas) was messy and busy and emotional and so much in one day! This is how it looked getting late into the night - heaps and piles, messes everywhere with amazon boxes ripped open in a corner.
Meanwhile Abigail was helping me out by clearing out all of the presents from Christmas so that we could think and not forget anything. She made a little set up of all of her presents around her bedroom tree.
And somehow we actually fit in playing a new Christmas game.
We all love the here and there bits of distraction like playing a game but then we were back at it. Goosebumps every time I remembered that she was leaving the next day. Abigail wrote notes and tucked in a little stuffed animal that is our family 'traveler'.
And Anna wrote notes too. There was a little stack for us in Abigail's suitcase we found later that night after we checked into a NYC hotel.
Late in the evening we drove to JFK to drop her off. Her flight was set to leave at 1:30 AM We were there really really early.
Check in was a breeze and then we just walked around an almost empty airport terminal for a while.
The more minutes that went by, the more nervous we all felt. Finally after huddling together and praying over her we picked a time for her to say goodbye and walk to security and toward her gate. 11:15 we said.
So at 11:15 we headed toward the security area to say goodbye. And it was sad. Hard to say goodbye.
(why is the Mom always the camera person and never in any photos except and awful and blurry one?)
There were tears for sure and then she did it -- the hardest part of this journey for sure - she walked away and independently headed down that hallway. It still makes my stomach flip just thinking about it.
And then we walked out of the airport just the 3 of us. With a lot of Abigail tears.
We all stayed up until at least 2 AM. We talked to her when she was at the gate and there were texts back and forth like this one.
And then this text we saw and it was really goodbye.
When we got to our hotel Abigail found in her suitcase that Anna had written all of us notes. Oh my heart was so full.
I wonder if I'll remember how this night felt for the rest of my life. I do know that feelings fade and become sweet memories. I am hoping that I can hold on to this part at least:
💗 How she was scared and brave all at the same time
💗 How Scott said he didn't think it was really 'brave' but more faith (and I agree)
💗 How little she looked walking away - just like a little girl to me
💗 How the pull in her heart to know about China (the language, the people, the culture) was greater than her fear of the unknown and of missing home
💗 How she did it and how we let her go - it is a profound feeling
💗 How she is Chinese but fully American and how uneasy we felt with the situation. (the students from around the country are white and therefore but their race and identity are obviously foreigners and how this complicates the position Anna is in - she is just like the others in this program but will look like all of those college students in China and therefore the expectations might be assumed incorrectly)
💗How she asked for prayer when we were huddled together long before the gate after praying the Rosary on the car ride and then how she asked for prayer one more time right at the gate. "pray one more time"
💗 How in awe I am that I got to be a part of God's grand plan for Anna's life. Forever and ever and forever after that her mama
What You Don’t See
Tara leading a beautiful prayer at the start of a ride down to JFK at ten at night. A silent two and a half hours with the exception of driving rain and the voice of Waze guiding us to where we would say goodbye. Anna clinging onto a tear filled Mama - eyes shut tight and fists clenched - words of encouragement “be brave, you can do this, and, I love you, I love you, love you.” A Mama leading our family in prayer, and giving her daughter the confidence to thrive on her own in China. And a dad who didn’t have the presence of mind and was too overwhelmed to snap a picture or video of any of it.
What you do see is the evidence of a Mama who so expertly captures the feeling and emotion of her family. Unfortunately that often comes at the expense of not having her moments captured well. I hope these words help share what would have been the most beautiful images of that evening. Tara being the rock Anna needed in that moment and a bond between mother and daughter that 7000 miles can’t break.
Wait till you see the reunion post…
-Scott
