This summer our family took on a few challenges.
Basically, we read through a few books to help us grow in a few areas. We are always wanted to learn and grow individually and as a family.
One of the challenges we took on in August has to do with perfectionism and how it unfortunately leads to procrastination. When we think of procrastination we often think of lazy, unmotivated, not hard working. What we already knew but felt validated to read is that procrastination because of perfectionism is not the persons fault, and that it must be treated at the source -- not pushing more work, or trying trying trying harder -- we must find the root of perfectionism and why it hinders completion.
A little back story: there is not student I can imagine at Abigail's high school that works harder than her. Because of her perfectionism she aims for the top -- top score, top grade, top group project. But also because of perfectionism assignments that should take an hour, take Abigail 8 hours on a Saturday. They are not meant to take that long; her teachers might only assign something thinking that it's about an hour assignment. Abigail is smart! And capable! And a perfectionist. So to her even after 8 hours all day on a Saturday, she's just not feeling done.
Well you can imagine that that scenario is impossible to live day in and day out in high school because of course if a 1 hour assignment is now 8 hours, what happens with all of her other classes? Each of those 1 hour assignments are now 8 hours. Here's the problem, now it's Tuesday and there are 6 more assignments to get done, each one stretched out to 8 hours per assignment for our little girl.
Of course I'm generalizing. But I am not exaggerating. That is the reality for our little girl.
Add in a whole host of medical issues and a horrible brace to wear each night when she tries to sleep, and it's a recipe for a very over tired, sad girl just wanting to be the best and do her best.
Now Abigail is supported in every way by us. We sit with her, work with her, stay up every night with her, encourage her -- we are her parents that dearly love her to pieces! We are also educators with a whole host of 'tricks up our sleeves' from having worked with students who also have educational issues and need assistance. So she's had the 'best of both worlds.' But it's not enough.
So that brings us to this summer and some new hope. A book recommendation from a psychiatrist who first worked with Abigail when she was really little - when she was dealing with Eosinophilic Esophagitis. Although not regularly under his care, this doctor often makes zoom appointments with Abigail (and us) to check in. He is the one who diagnosed her with perfectionism. He taught us that the price she pays for this cycle is usually diminished self-esteem. And although the perfectionist's valuation of excellence can inspire you to the heights of achievement. On the other hand, your need to be excellent can be your greatest impediment to success. This is the dilemma of perfectionist.
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HERE for a post from back in 2018 called "Slaying the Dragon" which was some of our early work with this pediatric psychologist.
(back in 2019)
So we read this book out loud in June/July as a whole family -- a chapter after dinner every night. This is not an Abigail problem, this is a whole family issue. We don't want to say the wrong things. We know that often our 'teacher strategies' might not be what is best for these situations. And we so desperately wanted her to find success in these areas. This book opened our eyes to so much.
We spent the rest of the summer (all of August) really working through the strategies we will be using in the school year to help and heal our girl. We know that once the school year starts we are going going and to learn a 'new method' is just too much. So this summer we worked hard on it!
Our whole family adjusted to new methods -- the way we organize our day, our tasks, our to do lists, our calendar. And oh my gosh... it has benefited all of us so much! I will forever take what we have learned to apply it to my own calendar/list/day/life! But most of all we have adjusted how to do a night of homework.
It is not going to be a "we read the book, all is fixed". There will be waves upon waves (even really late at night ones) that knock her down and she'll be tempted to slip under and back into working for 8 hours on something meant to take 1. But we have learned together and have grown as a family in this area and so little step by baby little step this will work.
As an incentive to help the girls along with a new way to 'look at their day' (even in the summer) to try out these new methods we put some fun prizes. I called them prizes but they really weren't prizes - just some fun things to do that would make it more enjoyable! (And honestly, I need a little motivation in August myself)
I wish I had pictures of all of the prizes -- it seems just the food ones I do.
One of the favorites the girls loved was to choose a Crudités Board. One night Anna chose a BBQ board. It was so so good! Lots of different kinds of BBQ sauce, shredded pork, chicken, corn muffins, mac and cheese, grilled corn on the cob!
One of the boards that Abigail chose was a grilled cheese board. Another fun one for sure!
Another prize they choose was to pick anything they wanted me to bake from this cookbook:
We had one really amazing cake! Jam Cake is perfect with a cup of tea by the way...
There was shopping at a favorite store:
An ice cream date to a really fun farm with the best ice-cream (rated in Yankee Magazine)
We went to a smoothie/juice bar
There were 'pick a favorite family game'.
A movie night
and so much more.
I am so grateful that this family loves to grow and learn always. I am grateful that we are 'in it together' not just as a saying but really doing the digging deep, hard work it takes to make lasting changes.
We've learned so much together this summer!
